There WAS a Suicide Note

Although I try not to be “quirky,” I cannot help but not to be normal. Besides the fact that I am gay, disabled, and biracial, I often amaze others by my lack of perception of cold when they are densely covered in layers of garments whilst I stroll by in a T-shirt.  Or my astonishing ability to multitask, enabling me to hold a conversation, watch a TV, and cook.

Likewise, my journal is not so average. Here and there, you can find a sentence that reads “although I sound very negative in this journal entry, it is because I process my anger/sadness by writing it, and when I had a great day, I do not feel the need to write, or came back home late.” It is an odd thing to write; reminding myself of my stress-coping mechanism. This is mostly to remind myself that not everyday of my life is depressing, when I happen to re-read my entry (which almost never happens). It might be hard to imagine, but because I mostly write to rid myself of trepidation, unpalatable anger, and despair within life by vomiting my emotions onto the word document, my journal entry resembles that of a person who seems to have an unjustly difficult life…. But that is not the case… And I write that just in case. Also, although I don’t think my existence will ever be as significant as that of Virginia Wolf (not anytime soon, at least… Hopefully in near future), when I see published books of someone’s diary (like V. Wolf), I feel the need to write the truth just in case someone cracks the password and read my entries. They mostly detail frivolous matters, but when the diary of some uni student that killed himself ends up being a bestseller, my paranoia of having my journal read by some complete stranger becomes unabated. If I die from a mystery manner that is hard to determine whether it was a suicide of an accident, people who read my diary might jump into conclusion that I have killed myself. Well, let me set the record straight. If I die in a mysterious manner, IT WAS A BLOODY MURDER! CATCH THE KILLER AND SEND HIM/HER IN THE WORST JAIL IN YOUR COUNTRY. Meanwhile, here are excerpts from my ever so dreadful diary (that I quickly skimmed through for the purpose of writing this entry) Although my closest ones know that I am a really depressive person, hope you enjoy my undiluted depressive narrative:

April 2nd, Sunday

Sunday came and went, just like a bad date.

July 19th, Saturday

Then I saw the beach, and how beautiful it looked as the sun was setting, and people were dancing freely to the rhythm of nostalgic dance-remix. It was worth going there to wash my sorrow away into it.

July 22, Tuesday

I love some of the Spanish phrases that exist out there. For example, “I am tired” is “estoy cansado.” And “I’m exhausted” is “estoy agotado.” I truly think that “esoty agotado” really convey the nature of exhaustion. The feeling you get where your whole entire body is begging to be laid down, yet in order to live a fulfilling life, you need to stay awake and keep proceeding in the daily activities in the day.

July 29th, Sunday

Great, I hate Mac for sure now. Not only is the usage of the lower section of screen still a mystery (largely my fault for thinking that ordinary average PC control should not require any need to read the instruction booklet), I cannot open my diary! Because the one that I have been using for a month is “in a wrong format.” Fucking bull.

I hate Sundays. First of all, do other people suffer from not having any prior engagements? I often find myself stuff to do on Fridays and Saturdays. But Sundays, I’ve got no plans whatsoever and have to spend it all by myself. Quality alone time… Because I never get that during the week.

August 20, Monday

The speed in which a day passes by seems to be so much faster then I would like it to be. There are so many things that I would like to accomplish (i.e., cleaning my room, doing some research, and reading) yet it seems like I am only able to do about 30% or so.

August 23rd

The good thing is the co-worker though. I got on really well with Nicola. Who reminds me of Fred! No, she really does. The way she speaks, her mannerism that betrays the timid and well-organized behavioral pattern! They are all the same as those of Fred from Angel. Although it was obvious from the beginning that she was a geek, we discovered that she is a proper geek! Tomoko, my co-worker (who dresses very nicely by the way), said that she could picture her wearing periodic clothes (i.e., 17th century). Then she admitted that she dresses in a gothic Lolita fashion. Lol

August 31st, Friday

The phrase TGIF is no longer applicable for I will be working during the weekends and evenings….

September 5th, Wednesday

I am playing with the notion of joining the sexaholic anonymous so I can go to their meetings and here their torrid sex stories. How can you be addicted to sex? And where do they get it?

November 4th, Sunday

Heck, because this entry is negative, I will continue with the theme. I hate the apartment that I live in. It is fucking crap. The walls are so thin that you get to hear your neighbor sneezing. I can’t believe some people thought it was okay to build such a crap apartment in middle of Tokyo! Why are housing in Tokyo so crap?

November 8th, Thursday

Time is a funny thing, really. When you are in a horrible situation (such as going to a fucking boring party), it feels fucking awful, but when it is done, you tend to forget how unbearable your life was a moment ago.

Nov 26th, Monday

He (Will) went on about how his lifestyle keeps him out of trouble. As in if he stayed in one country, he would go crazy, for he wouldn’t be able to take it. Makes me wonder why he doesn’t go back to Canada. He also stated that he doesn’t like Thai people that much because it is a third world country, and people aren’t that smart. They can only think of what is in front of them… And Japan is like that… Okay, it is only people like us that can afford to think about other things for we aren’t constantly worried about how to find food. I can afford to appreciate about art, because I have enough food. I think it was completely pathetic of him to be that judgmental. He also stated that Japanese people aren’t that smart either because if you ask questions like “why did you draw such painting” to an artist, they get shocked for asking such a question. Honestly, why does he stay? I guess I get tired from dealing with people from reasons like this. Even when you disagree with them completely, you can’t really say “that’s BS!” out loud. Brrr… Dumb people annoy me.

Nov. 27th, Wednesday

I really wish I could sink myself in an ocean somewhere. As for work, the newbies are annoying me.

The new guy I completely do not remember the name, who is fucking taciturn, is also a bit dim. He was like “I can’t afford to go eat lunch everyday,” but that is what he is doing… And when he missed the last train, apparently he stayed in a hotel! As opposed to manga kissa or taking a cab home. BS Then there is Takumi. He fucking annoys me. Naomi was saying that she realized that he was a freak after speaking to him for 3 min. He asks way too much questions. He is the question-asking machine.